I have been very fortunate over the years in the friends I have had. Some of these became more like aquaintances over time; some became like second family. And others sadly enough moved on to places unknown.
Some times upon meeting a person it seems like you just know right away that they will be a great friend. Some times it becomes obvious that there just isn't a connection and you will just be aquaintances. Then there are the ones that kind of grow on you over time. I think that these friends are the ones that make a lasting impression and difference in your life over all. It takes time to get to know them and them to know you.
You just know in your heart that if you ever need any thing, they are there for you. They are the kind that open their door, invite you in, and offer what ever comfort is needed. Some times just a place to sit and visit for a while before driving the rest of the long way home. Some times a snack and cup of coffee, and some times they just start pulling out the kettles and fixing a full blown meal!
Then there are the few friends that you make in your life time that you liked right off; then they really grew on you over time. You can agree to disagree. You have serious converations about things that really matter. You have discussions and debates. You have some awesome laughing sessions until your sides ache! You give each other nicknames. Some stick, and others pass depending on the situation. You give each other hugs, handshakes, and a hard time. You challenge and encourage each other.
I wanted to write this in honor of my friend Mike Fisher. If you ever wanted a friend that is described in the above paragraph, he is the one. I call him "Mr. Fisher", he has given me several nicknames. The one that has stuck is "Miss Pink Pants". Due to my favorite pair of climbing pants.
There have been cookies, brownies, and coffee, skillet tacos, fresh veggies, and any manner of other treats. Conversations around the kitchen table, sometimes leading to; "lets go to the living room and sit on some comfortable chairs". At times there is music playing,other times some good old videos, and of course the rock climbing videos.
Some of the best times though are at the crag. He is one of the hardest climbers I know. He also likes to put up some "moderate routes". Of course when he is done with them, they have become some thing that I know I will not be climbing! Of course this isn't always true. There are several that are right up my alley and have become favorites of mine. But of course I have to give him a hard time. That is part of our friendship after all!
Along with my Michael, (I say it this way so as not to confuse you), we have been though many a fine day at the craig. And I introduce this line of thought because I met Mr. Fisher because he has been friends and a climbing partner with Michael for years before I came on the scene.
Some other fine times have been had camping. Once to his astonishment, Michael and I had to sleep in the open, because the tent didn't make it to the truck. It was a beautiful night out and sleeping under the stars was wonderful. Then to get up the next morning, break camp and go climbing. The next trip didn't turn out quite like we planned when the weather went bad. Soon after crawling in our tents the rain poured down. The following morning it was still drenching every thing. Reguardless, Michael fixed a hot breakfeast and coffee, with Mr. Fisher looking out of the partially unzipped flap of his tent. Then we packed up and called it a day!
So phone calls are regularly made back and forth; some just for greetings, some for long conversations. A lot of them are for making plans. The usual question of," what are you up to today?" Followed by, "what you got in mind?"
No matter the response, you know you are either being thought of, or are going to get together to do some serious climbing or just hang out. No matter the plan, you know you are in for a good time with a good friend!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Escaping the Box
Years ago, as a very young child I started to have glimpses out side the box. It seemed like there was so much of the world that was not available because of the labels, or stygma placed upon these things. There were places one did not go or people one did not associate with.
I could never quite grasp this, as I was brought up in a Christian home. At Church and other various activities, I was taught that you should "love your nieghbor as yourself." And that you were to take the Gospel to the world. Well, to me it never seemed right that you could live in this little bubble looking out. How were you to accomplish these things if you didn't get out and get involved with people who were not of your own. I understood the whole mission idea of taking some time off from your daily duties and handing out food or clothing. Of making boxes or care packages and sending them to some poor country. Of going to another country and helping to build missionary houses, Churches, schools and clinics.
When I was a young girl, I remember going with my Mom to the migrant workers area and helping to sort out donated clothes. I recall those workers coming in and getting clothing and other household items. I remember Mom and Dad going on various mission trips here and there in other countries.
At that time I don't ever remember going to any of thier actual living places. I don't remember ever being involved in any contact with "those people". And it could be that I just don't remember. But I think if it had happened, it would have stayed with me.
Then when I was a teenager, we went as a family to Nicaragua. We helped to build clinics, schools, drill wells, teach health, hygiene, and basic reading and writing. We also built Churches. This included training Pastors from thier own communities to carry on the positions. We made friends. Good friends. We were as involved in the communities as if we had come from there.
Here I felt like I finally saw the difference between giving the supplies, and actually being invloved. It is easy to donate tings that you are done with. Such as clothing and household things. It is easy to write a check. It is easy to sponser some one else. It is not so easy being right in the middle. To actually get to know the people, make friends, and try to make a difference in thier lives. To make things better. Education of one sort or the other doesn't need to totally change thier customs or way of life. Improvement isn't always about taking away, but adding too.
When I started to see glimpses of what was outside the box, I just wanted to see more. I wanted to understand why and how other people lived. I wanted to know what else was possible for my life. I wondered how on earth these people had survived all this time without the constraints put on them by others. I wanted to know how they could get by and still be happy, have lots of love, and feel they had a good life. When did life become so defined by certain groups of people that it had to be lived a certain way or you were just living so wrong? I understand that if you are going to live in the village, you have to live the way the village does in order for it to survive. So, I choose to live outside the box, and may be just visit once in a while.
I have chose a very different path. I want to live in the midst of mankind;live wherever I need to be at the time, in the best manner possible. I want to try not to be too needy, but help those in need. To keep my head up, my eyes open, and my heart full of love for my fellow man. I want to be an inspiration, a shoulder to lean on, and a smile to brighten a day for others.
I could never quite grasp this, as I was brought up in a Christian home. At Church and other various activities, I was taught that you should "love your nieghbor as yourself." And that you were to take the Gospel to the world. Well, to me it never seemed right that you could live in this little bubble looking out. How were you to accomplish these things if you didn't get out and get involved with people who were not of your own. I understood the whole mission idea of taking some time off from your daily duties and handing out food or clothing. Of making boxes or care packages and sending them to some poor country. Of going to another country and helping to build missionary houses, Churches, schools and clinics.
When I was a young girl, I remember going with my Mom to the migrant workers area and helping to sort out donated clothes. I recall those workers coming in and getting clothing and other household items. I remember Mom and Dad going on various mission trips here and there in other countries.
At that time I don't ever remember going to any of thier actual living places. I don't remember ever being involved in any contact with "those people". And it could be that I just don't remember. But I think if it had happened, it would have stayed with me.
Then when I was a teenager, we went as a family to Nicaragua. We helped to build clinics, schools, drill wells, teach health, hygiene, and basic reading and writing. We also built Churches. This included training Pastors from thier own communities to carry on the positions. We made friends. Good friends. We were as involved in the communities as if we had come from there.
Here I felt like I finally saw the difference between giving the supplies, and actually being invloved. It is easy to donate tings that you are done with. Such as clothing and household things. It is easy to write a check. It is easy to sponser some one else. It is not so easy being right in the middle. To actually get to know the people, make friends, and try to make a difference in thier lives. To make things better. Education of one sort or the other doesn't need to totally change thier customs or way of life. Improvement isn't always about taking away, but adding too.
When I started to see glimpses of what was outside the box, I just wanted to see more. I wanted to understand why and how other people lived. I wanted to know what else was possible for my life. I wondered how on earth these people had survived all this time without the constraints put on them by others. I wanted to know how they could get by and still be happy, have lots of love, and feel they had a good life. When did life become so defined by certain groups of people that it had to be lived a certain way or you were just living so wrong? I understand that if you are going to live in the village, you have to live the way the village does in order for it to survive. So, I choose to live outside the box, and may be just visit once in a while.
I have chose a very different path. I want to live in the midst of mankind;live wherever I need to be at the time, in the best manner possible. I want to try not to be too needy, but help those in need. To keep my head up, my eyes open, and my heart full of love for my fellow man. I want to be an inspiration, a shoulder to lean on, and a smile to brighten a day for others.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Life inside the box can work for some people. There are people that need the structure to make them comfortable and keep them on track. Some folks just cannot function without certain constraints. They need rules to follow. I think I just summed up what I was going to write. They need to follow, not lead. It keeps them from having to act on any thing they might actually think. It is all right to think about things; but having to act upon these things would mean they might have to change things in thier life or life style. Change can be very upsetting to a lot of people.
I grew up inside the box. There were certain ways to do certain things. And you did not question why. To question why made one think. I aways wondered why. I have a deep need to be able to make sense of why things are the way they are. Some times the answers were just not addressed. The response often was;" because that is just the way it is".
The funny thing now is that I see how along the way, so many of the rules have changed. I guess it is a kind of evolution. Some times I think that those involved do not even realize that the rules have changed. What was not right then, is right now. Maybe with some twists, you know, it depends on the situation and also who is involved. What is right or wrong for one person may not be for another. I don't even know where the boundaries are any more!
Let me give you a simple example. When I was young there were rules about the right and wrong kind of clothes to wear. It was not acceptable to wear jewlry, make up, fingernail polish, for women to have short hair; the list goes on and on. Now, the only thing that really matters is to be modest in your dress. In other words, don't exspose to much skin. I used to get ready to go back to the area I grew up in by taking out earings, removing nail polish, and making sure I didn't have on any makeup. Then I would pack clothing with what I was sure wouldn't offend any one. Now when I go back there, I pretty much go as I would here at home and there are no worries. I think they have pretty much just acctepted the idea that I am different from them. Of course I know that I am well prayed for at the same time!
One of the other corners of the box is about one's spiritual/religious life. To be a true Christian, one must belong to a Church. Not just belong, but to be seriously involved. That would be at least one service on Sunday, and probably at least one function during the week. This keeps one's soul firmly rooted. You have others that can keep you guided on the right path, and in turn you can help guide them. They call it accountability. If you are not involved, you are probably not going the right way. Of course this right way I am talking about will vary from Church to Church. I have found that there is quite the difference from one organization to other. And there you have it. Organization. Usually in a building that is itentified as a Church building. And with in the walls of this building, there is a group of people that make the decisions and tell th erest what they should do and how to live thier lives. They tell them what is a sin and what is the Christian way to live. So, if I don't do what they say, or live they way they have out lined, then my way of life becomes questionable.
Well, I have to say that I find this quite confining. I think it is the way a caged animal must feel. My entire being screems out. My soul feels like it wants to burst and expand. That there is some thing out there that I am not getting to experience. My life and my spirituality is my own responsibility. And I believe, it should be far more private.
I guess that until I actually left my childhood home, I did not even realize that I had been living in the box. I often wondered what was out there in the world. I really thought it to be a very dangerous place. The temptations would be more than a person could stand. But how do you know what you can stand against and for if you don't go out and live? How do you know what you are truely made of? And in the quest for these answers, find out who you really are. I didn't want to be just like the other sheep, blindly grouping together with the others against the coming of the big bad wolf; but to be who I was made to be.
So, straining against the edges, breaking free through a tear in the corner, I find myself outside the box. Living large, exploring the world. Living the way I feel my heart is called to live.
I grew up inside the box. There were certain ways to do certain things. And you did not question why. To question why made one think. I aways wondered why. I have a deep need to be able to make sense of why things are the way they are. Some times the answers were just not addressed. The response often was;" because that is just the way it is".
The funny thing now is that I see how along the way, so many of the rules have changed. I guess it is a kind of evolution. Some times I think that those involved do not even realize that the rules have changed. What was not right then, is right now. Maybe with some twists, you know, it depends on the situation and also who is involved. What is right or wrong for one person may not be for another. I don't even know where the boundaries are any more!
Let me give you a simple example. When I was young there were rules about the right and wrong kind of clothes to wear. It was not acceptable to wear jewlry, make up, fingernail polish, for women to have short hair; the list goes on and on. Now, the only thing that really matters is to be modest in your dress. In other words, don't exspose to much skin. I used to get ready to go back to the area I grew up in by taking out earings, removing nail polish, and making sure I didn't have on any makeup. Then I would pack clothing with what I was sure wouldn't offend any one. Now when I go back there, I pretty much go as I would here at home and there are no worries. I think they have pretty much just acctepted the idea that I am different from them. Of course I know that I am well prayed for at the same time!
One of the other corners of the box is about one's spiritual/religious life. To be a true Christian, one must belong to a Church. Not just belong, but to be seriously involved. That would be at least one service on Sunday, and probably at least one function during the week. This keeps one's soul firmly rooted. You have others that can keep you guided on the right path, and in turn you can help guide them. They call it accountability. If you are not involved, you are probably not going the right way. Of course this right way I am talking about will vary from Church to Church. I have found that there is quite the difference from one organization to other. And there you have it. Organization. Usually in a building that is itentified as a Church building. And with in the walls of this building, there is a group of people that make the decisions and tell th erest what they should do and how to live thier lives. They tell them what is a sin and what is the Christian way to live. So, if I don't do what they say, or live they way they have out lined, then my way of life becomes questionable.
Well, I have to say that I find this quite confining. I think it is the way a caged animal must feel. My entire being screems out. My soul feels like it wants to burst and expand. That there is some thing out there that I am not getting to experience. My life and my spirituality is my own responsibility. And I believe, it should be far more private.
I guess that until I actually left my childhood home, I did not even realize that I had been living in the box. I often wondered what was out there in the world. I really thought it to be a very dangerous place. The temptations would be more than a person could stand. But how do you know what you can stand against and for if you don't go out and live? How do you know what you are truely made of? And in the quest for these answers, find out who you really are. I didn't want to be just like the other sheep, blindly grouping together with the others against the coming of the big bad wolf; but to be who I was made to be.
So, straining against the edges, breaking free through a tear in the corner, I find myself outside the box. Living large, exploring the world. Living the way I feel my heart is called to live.
Friday, March 18, 2011
A Precious Gift
I want to share a gift with you. It is one that I treasure very much. It is not a gift that you leave in the package to store on a shelf in the back room closet. It is not one to just pull out several times a year; to look at, think about where it came from, who was involved, then put it away to collect dust and cobwebs.
This precious gift is one of the many memories that I think about and strive to use every day as inspiration as to how I desire to have my time spent. If you think about it, "time spent" is some thing that is used up, gone, something you can't have back. But it can be used as a background. A template if you will for the next block of time.
Last week I had a truely aweful Friday. Ususally Fridays are a day to look forward to. The begining of the weekend. For me, time to plan my time out of doors. Cooking (so I don't have to the rest of the weekend), catching up laundry, and making phone calls to plan get togethers. Not this day. Nothing was going according to my plans. Actually, nothing was going including me! My body decided to have a breakdown. I guess the MS wanted to let me know it was still here in full force. There is nothing to do when that happens, but lay back and let it have it's way.
Then came Saturday morning. How wonderful to wake up and feel so completely different from one day to the next. I felt so good. I knew then that I needed to get out and do all that I could do!
I fixed up some snacks, drinks, and organized my back pack. Then Michael and I loaded up the truck and away we went.
We arrived at the craig to find some other friends had just arrived. It was an unexpected suprise. We strapped on our packs and headed up the trail. I was still feeling so amazing!
It is so hard to describe the feeling of being able to get out after a day like the previous one. When all of the muscles work the way you want them too, when there is very little pain, when the coordination, balance, and thought process all work as they should.
I look around at the beautiful area, feel the cool breeze, inhale the wonderful clean country air, and am so grateful for this gift. I know that the memory of this day will stay with me to give me hope for the next one.
Walking up the trail is not hard today. I am keeping my balance, not stumbling around, not even short of breath. I feel strong, in control of myself once again.
We stop to watch our friends get on a route they have not had the opportunity to climb before. They are both very strong climbers. They say it is a very enjoyable route. It was fun and inspiring to watch them.
Since I have now been inspired, it is time to go get on the rock ourselves. Michael decides we will get started on a route that is one of my favorites. He leads, putting up the draws, clipping the anchors. I am feeling very confident and am in my peaceful place . I top rope up and clean the gear with out any trouble at all. I feel graceful and at ease.
We do a couple more routes that day. Both of them are ones that I have had trouble with and tend to struggle though. This day, I have been given the inner strength to get up both. But I must say that the last one took all that I had in me. When Michael lowered me to the ground, I found I was shaking all over, laughing with the excitement of having completed the climb reguardless of the energy it took! It did take the very last bit of energy that I had.
After a snack and some juice, I got all my gear loaded in my pack. I was getting ready to strap up and found that I was going to have to rest a while before heading down the trail. I was still trmebling from head to foot. We sat dawn for a little while and just enjoyed being out under the blue sky. Finally the shaking stopped and I decided I was ready to head down the trail.
What a wonderful day! Going from not being able to pour a glass of tea, to hiking, carrying a backpack, and rock climbing. A day to remember. A day to inspire. A day of hope. A day to carry in my heart!
Even though the bad days come, and I know that they will; there also will be days like this. If I can give you one gift in your life, it would be this. Do not to sit and worry that life has handed you trials, hard, difficult times. Maybe pain, maybe confusion, maybe sorrow. Get out of your chair. Go do something. Challenge yourself. It doesn't have to be much. There are times and situations that limit ones ability to do certain things. But you don't know what you can do, until you try. And I will tell you that nature has a way of healing. Even if you just take a chair and sit outside for a while. The next day, take your chair a little further. Find a different place, different scenery, get up and walk around a little, use a walking stick if you need to (I do), Get a bird guide book and binoculars. Maybe get a fishing license. Plant some flowers.
Give yourself a precious gift. If you wait for some one else to deliver you from your situation, you will be waiting a long time. This is one that others can and will help you with, but you must decide to give it to yourself. I hope and pray that you will choose to live and not let life go by!
This precious gift is one of the many memories that I think about and strive to use every day as inspiration as to how I desire to have my time spent. If you think about it, "time spent" is some thing that is used up, gone, something you can't have back. But it can be used as a background. A template if you will for the next block of time.
Last week I had a truely aweful Friday. Ususally Fridays are a day to look forward to. The begining of the weekend. For me, time to plan my time out of doors. Cooking (so I don't have to the rest of the weekend), catching up laundry, and making phone calls to plan get togethers. Not this day. Nothing was going according to my plans. Actually, nothing was going including me! My body decided to have a breakdown. I guess the MS wanted to let me know it was still here in full force. There is nothing to do when that happens, but lay back and let it have it's way.
Then came Saturday morning. How wonderful to wake up and feel so completely different from one day to the next. I felt so good. I knew then that I needed to get out and do all that I could do!
I fixed up some snacks, drinks, and organized my back pack. Then Michael and I loaded up the truck and away we went.
We arrived at the craig to find some other friends had just arrived. It was an unexpected suprise. We strapped on our packs and headed up the trail. I was still feeling so amazing!
It is so hard to describe the feeling of being able to get out after a day like the previous one. When all of the muscles work the way you want them too, when there is very little pain, when the coordination, balance, and thought process all work as they should.
I look around at the beautiful area, feel the cool breeze, inhale the wonderful clean country air, and am so grateful for this gift. I know that the memory of this day will stay with me to give me hope for the next one.
Walking up the trail is not hard today. I am keeping my balance, not stumbling around, not even short of breath. I feel strong, in control of myself once again.
We stop to watch our friends get on a route they have not had the opportunity to climb before. They are both very strong climbers. They say it is a very enjoyable route. It was fun and inspiring to watch them.
Since I have now been inspired, it is time to go get on the rock ourselves. Michael decides we will get started on a route that is one of my favorites. He leads, putting up the draws, clipping the anchors. I am feeling very confident and am in my peaceful place . I top rope up and clean the gear with out any trouble at all. I feel graceful and at ease.
We do a couple more routes that day. Both of them are ones that I have had trouble with and tend to struggle though. This day, I have been given the inner strength to get up both. But I must say that the last one took all that I had in me. When Michael lowered me to the ground, I found I was shaking all over, laughing with the excitement of having completed the climb reguardless of the energy it took! It did take the very last bit of energy that I had.
After a snack and some juice, I got all my gear loaded in my pack. I was getting ready to strap up and found that I was going to have to rest a while before heading down the trail. I was still trmebling from head to foot. We sat dawn for a little while and just enjoyed being out under the blue sky. Finally the shaking stopped and I decided I was ready to head down the trail.
What a wonderful day! Going from not being able to pour a glass of tea, to hiking, carrying a backpack, and rock climbing. A day to remember. A day to inspire. A day of hope. A day to carry in my heart!
Even though the bad days come, and I know that they will; there also will be days like this. If I can give you one gift in your life, it would be this. Do not to sit and worry that life has handed you trials, hard, difficult times. Maybe pain, maybe confusion, maybe sorrow. Get out of your chair. Go do something. Challenge yourself. It doesn't have to be much. There are times and situations that limit ones ability to do certain things. But you don't know what you can do, until you try. And I will tell you that nature has a way of healing. Even if you just take a chair and sit outside for a while. The next day, take your chair a little further. Find a different place, different scenery, get up and walk around a little, use a walking stick if you need to (I do), Get a bird guide book and binoculars. Maybe get a fishing license. Plant some flowers.
Give yourself a precious gift. If you wait for some one else to deliver you from your situation, you will be waiting a long time. This is one that others can and will help you with, but you must decide to give it to yourself. I hope and pray that you will choose to live and not let life go by!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Taking the Bad With the Good
It seems that my body is determined to betray me when I least expect it. I try my best to accept that I have MS but it that does not have me. Most days I feel pretty good. There is the usual stiffness and achy joints, and a little muscle soreness. Of course any one person that has done any work in thier lives will come to this point. Some of that has to do with the degenerative disk disease and arthritis.
Last Thursday night, I didn't get any solid sleep time at all. As the night went on, I started feeling worse and worse. The pain became so intense that even laying down hurt. It seemed like putting pressure or wieght on any body part was not going to work. So I was up and down trying to get some relief. Even the ibuprofen was not helping. I don't think I have had that intensity of nerve pain for almost two years. And for that I spent four days in the hospital. I really did not want to do that again. I hate being on pain medications. Even though they certainly help the pain, they don't take away the reason for it. So, it is just a temporary cover-up. Then a person has to spend so much time trying to get off the medications. Because if you just keep taking the stuff, your body soon stops reacting to it then you have to find something else that works. I have been on so many different pain and nerve blocking meds. Some times the side effects are not worth the little good you get from them.
Friday morning finally came. The sun was up, the sky was clear. It would be a great day to be outside. Apparently this was not going to happen for me. As it turned out, it was not going to be a good day at all!
I have to say I really do hate days like that. One of the worst things for my spirit, is to have to ask some one to do simple things for me. I am a very independant person. I learned a long time ago that it is better to be able to do for myself than to depend on another person. Most of the time I have tried to depend on some one, they end up leaving my life for one reason or another. It is wonderful to have some one that you can depend upon; knowing that if some thing happens you can go on. Being strong emotionally, spiritually, and mentally has been something I have been rather proud of. I suppose that is one reason I am able to get through the days that are like that Friday. I know that it will pass and better days are coming. What is hard, is knowing that there will be more and more of the bad days to come.
Even walking to the kitchen or bathroom was an ordeal by ten o'clock in the morning. As the day went on I was not even able to hold a book up. My arms started with muscle spasms so bad I had to lay my book on the pillow in front of me. I couldn't even stand to touch my skin it hurt so badly. I had to put on clothes that didn't have waist bands or anything tight about them.
The only thing I can compare the feeling to is an electrical shock. I remember as a kid we used to take those fuzzy long grasses and touch the electric fence around the cow field. If you have ever done that, think about having that sensation through your entire body all day long. I usually have that vague feeling any how, it is subdued by taking medication three times a day.
Multiple Scluerosis is a life altering disease. Even though for the most part I look and act completely normal, there are things going on in my body that others can not see. Since I usually go on like there is nothing wrong, people do not realize what I am feeling. I do not want to let this disease take over my life! But there are times, days, weeks, when I simply can not cover up that I am not in control of my body.
I think that the worst of it is when my memory and cognitive skills are out of wack. Sometimes I can not remember what I was doing or how to do things I have spent my life doing. Sometimes I can not remember something that I just did the day before. It can get very frustrating!
When I can't even hold the tea pitcher to pour my own drink, or even carry the glass from one room to another because I can't hold it without spilling.
When I am walking down the short hall to the bathroom and my balance is so bad I am falling into the wall bruising my arms and shoulders.
This particular Friday was very bad. I had a very hard time not picking up the phone and calling for anambulance to take me to the hospital. It gets very discouraging to feel this way. I felt very helpless. Some times I just want to give up. I could you know. I could just let my body give into the disease. Then I would be put in a nursing home, set up on pain killers, (good ones too!), every bodily need taken care of, and not have to do a thing. I wonder some times how much quicker things would progress and get it over with. Then I think about what my mind would become laying there with nothing to do. Who would come to see me? Who would take care of me? What kind of care would I have? Is this what my life has come too? What did my life mean?
Good days are like a precious gift to me. I want to live life to the fullest. Some people have asked me why I do the things I do. Like rock climbing, hiking, exploring. Living life on the edge. Taking one day at a time. Not really planning for the future. I only have today. I do not know what tomorrow will bring. I do not know what my body will do tomorrow. But I know how I feel today. I know that I can get things done.
Hopefully, by keeping myself strong, in shape, being active, I will be able to delay the inevitable. I will do what ever I can to keep on living as if there was no tomorrow. I will not just sit down and give up! There will still be plenty more days of "what's next". One of my favorite sayings.
I do not want this to be discouraging to any one, I want my life to be an inspiration. This is just to let you know, it is all right to have a bad day and acknowledge it to be so. That way, when you have a good day or a great day, you can enjoy it to the fullest! Besides, the next post will be about the Saturday and Sunday after this bad day. They where two of the best days I had had for a while!
Last Thursday night, I didn't get any solid sleep time at all. As the night went on, I started feeling worse and worse. The pain became so intense that even laying down hurt. It seemed like putting pressure or wieght on any body part was not going to work. So I was up and down trying to get some relief. Even the ibuprofen was not helping. I don't think I have had that intensity of nerve pain for almost two years. And for that I spent four days in the hospital. I really did not want to do that again. I hate being on pain medications. Even though they certainly help the pain, they don't take away the reason for it. So, it is just a temporary cover-up. Then a person has to spend so much time trying to get off the medications. Because if you just keep taking the stuff, your body soon stops reacting to it then you have to find something else that works. I have been on so many different pain and nerve blocking meds. Some times the side effects are not worth the little good you get from them.
Friday morning finally came. The sun was up, the sky was clear. It would be a great day to be outside. Apparently this was not going to happen for me. As it turned out, it was not going to be a good day at all!
I have to say I really do hate days like that. One of the worst things for my spirit, is to have to ask some one to do simple things for me. I am a very independant person. I learned a long time ago that it is better to be able to do for myself than to depend on another person. Most of the time I have tried to depend on some one, they end up leaving my life for one reason or another. It is wonderful to have some one that you can depend upon; knowing that if some thing happens you can go on. Being strong emotionally, spiritually, and mentally has been something I have been rather proud of. I suppose that is one reason I am able to get through the days that are like that Friday. I know that it will pass and better days are coming. What is hard, is knowing that there will be more and more of the bad days to come.
Even walking to the kitchen or bathroom was an ordeal by ten o'clock in the morning. As the day went on I was not even able to hold a book up. My arms started with muscle spasms so bad I had to lay my book on the pillow in front of me. I couldn't even stand to touch my skin it hurt so badly. I had to put on clothes that didn't have waist bands or anything tight about them.
The only thing I can compare the feeling to is an electrical shock. I remember as a kid we used to take those fuzzy long grasses and touch the electric fence around the cow field. If you have ever done that, think about having that sensation through your entire body all day long. I usually have that vague feeling any how, it is subdued by taking medication three times a day.
Multiple Scluerosis is a life altering disease. Even though for the most part I look and act completely normal, there are things going on in my body that others can not see. Since I usually go on like there is nothing wrong, people do not realize what I am feeling. I do not want to let this disease take over my life! But there are times, days, weeks, when I simply can not cover up that I am not in control of my body.
I think that the worst of it is when my memory and cognitive skills are out of wack. Sometimes I can not remember what I was doing or how to do things I have spent my life doing. Sometimes I can not remember something that I just did the day before. It can get very frustrating!
When I can't even hold the tea pitcher to pour my own drink, or even carry the glass from one room to another because I can't hold it without spilling.
When I am walking down the short hall to the bathroom and my balance is so bad I am falling into the wall bruising my arms and shoulders.
This particular Friday was very bad. I had a very hard time not picking up the phone and calling for anambulance to take me to the hospital. It gets very discouraging to feel this way. I felt very helpless. Some times I just want to give up. I could you know. I could just let my body give into the disease. Then I would be put in a nursing home, set up on pain killers, (good ones too!), every bodily need taken care of, and not have to do a thing. I wonder some times how much quicker things would progress and get it over with. Then I think about what my mind would become laying there with nothing to do. Who would come to see me? Who would take care of me? What kind of care would I have? Is this what my life has come too? What did my life mean?
Good days are like a precious gift to me. I want to live life to the fullest. Some people have asked me why I do the things I do. Like rock climbing, hiking, exploring. Living life on the edge. Taking one day at a time. Not really planning for the future. I only have today. I do not know what tomorrow will bring. I do not know what my body will do tomorrow. But I know how I feel today. I know that I can get things done.
Hopefully, by keeping myself strong, in shape, being active, I will be able to delay the inevitable. I will do what ever I can to keep on living as if there was no tomorrow. I will not just sit down and give up! There will still be plenty more days of "what's next". One of my favorite sayings.
I do not want this to be discouraging to any one, I want my life to be an inspiration. This is just to let you know, it is all right to have a bad day and acknowledge it to be so. That way, when you have a good day or a great day, you can enjoy it to the fullest! Besides, the next post will be about the Saturday and Sunday after this bad day. They where two of the best days I had had for a while!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Fragments of Myself
24 years as a Mom with back problems left me overweight and out of shape. In '02 I had a stroke, leaving my right side weak, my mind confused and every function a chore. I was diagnosed with MS. In '04 I had back surgery to replace blown disks, and was diagnosed with degenerative disk disease. In '05 I had a 2nd back surgery to r...eplace the rods and screws, and '06 led to a knee surgery. In '07 my spouse of 27 years decided it was time to go our separate ways.
Then I met Mike Gray. We soon became fast friends. He took me hiking and, soon after, climbing. On my first try, with borrowed harness and slippers, I managed to get a little ways up the rock. Each time, I got a little stronger and more sure of myself. Now I top rope and clean gear (when my muscles and coordination work). While I don't lead, because I can't always depend on my muscles to do what I want them to, I love climbing! See More
Then I met Mike Gray. We soon became fast friends. He took me hiking and, soon after, climbing. On my first try, with borrowed harness and slippers, I managed to get a little ways up the rock. Each time, I got a little stronger and more sure of myself. Now I top rope and clean gear (when my muscles and coordination work). While I don't lead, because I can't always depend on my muscles to do what I want them to, I love climbing! See More
Monday, March 7, 2011
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