Taking the Bad With the Good

It seems that my body is determined to betray me when I least expect it. I try my best to accept that I have MS but it that does not have me. Most days I feel pretty good. There is the usual stiffness and achy joints, and a little muscle soreness. Of course any one person that has done any work in thier lives will come to this point. Some of that has to do with the degenerative disk disease and arthritis.

Last Thursday night, I didn't get any solid sleep time at all. As the night went on, I started feeling worse and worse. The pain became so intense that even laying down hurt. It seemed like putting pressure or wieght on any body part was not going to work. So I was up and down trying to get some relief. Even the ibuprofen was not helping. I don't think I have had that intensity of nerve pain for almost two years. And for that I spent four days in the hospital. I really did not want to do that again. I hate being on pain medications. Even though they certainly help the pain, they don't take away the reason for it. So, it is just a temporary cover-up. Then a person has to spend so much time trying to get off the medications. Because if you just keep taking the stuff, your body soon stops reacting to it then you have to find something else that works. I have been on so many different pain and nerve blocking meds. Some times the side effects are not worth the little good you get from them.

Friday morning finally came. The sun was up, the sky was clear. It would be a great day to be outside. Apparently this was not going to happen for me. As it turned out, it was not going to be a good day at all!

I have to say I really do hate days like that. One of the worst things for my spirit, is to have to ask some one to do simple things for me. I am a very independant person. I learned a long time ago that it is better to be able to do for myself than to depend on another person. Most of the time I have tried to depend on some one, they end up leaving my life for one reason or another. It is wonderful to have some one that you can depend upon; knowing that if some thing happens you can go on. Being strong emotionally, spiritually, and mentally has been something I have been rather proud of. I suppose that is one reason I am able to get through the days that are like that Friday. I know that it will pass and better days are coming. What is hard, is knowing that there will be more and more of the bad days to come.

Even walking to the kitchen or bathroom was an ordeal by ten o'clock in the morning. As the day went on I was not even able to hold a book up. My arms started with muscle spasms so bad I had to lay my book on the pillow in front of me. I couldn't even stand to touch my skin it hurt so badly. I had to put on clothes that didn't have waist bands or anything tight about them.

The only thing I can compare the feeling to is an electrical shock. I remember as a kid we used to take those fuzzy long grasses and touch the electric fence around the cow field. If you have ever done that, think about having that sensation through your entire body all day long. I usually have that vague feeling any how, it is subdued by taking medication three times a day.

Multiple Scluerosis is a life altering disease. Even though for the most part I look and act completely normal, there are things going on in my body that others can not see. Since I usually go on like there is nothing wrong, people do not realize what I am feeling. I do not want to let this disease take over my life! But there are times, days, weeks, when I simply can not cover up that I am not in control of my body.

I think that the worst of it is when my memory and cognitive skills are out of wack. Sometimes I can not remember what I was doing or how to do things I have spent my life doing. Sometimes I can not remember something that I just did the day before. It can get very frustrating!

When I can't even hold the tea pitcher to pour my own drink, or even carry the glass from one room to another because I can't hold it without spilling.

When I am walking down the short hall to the bathroom and my balance is so bad I am falling into the wall bruising my arms and shoulders.

This particular Friday was very bad. I had a very hard time not picking up the phone and calling for anambulance to take me to the hospital. It gets very discouraging to feel this way. I felt very helpless. Some times I just want to give up. I could you know. I could just let my body give into the disease. Then I would be put in a nursing home, set up on pain killers, (good ones too!), every bodily need taken care of, and not have to do a thing. I wonder some times how much quicker things would progress and get it over with. Then I think about what my mind would become laying there with nothing to do. Who would come to see me? Who would take care of me? What kind of care would I have? Is this what my life has come too? What did my life mean?

Good days are like a precious gift to me. I want to live life to the fullest. Some people have asked me why I do the things I do. Like rock climbing, hiking, exploring. Living life on the edge. Taking one day at a time. Not really planning for the future. I only have today. I do not know what tomorrow will bring. I do not know what my body will do tomorrow. But I know how I feel today. I know that I can get things done.

Hopefully, by keeping myself strong, in shape, being active, I will be able to delay the inevitable. I will do what ever I can to keep on living as if there was no tomorrow. I will not just sit down and give up! There will still be plenty more days of "what's next". One of my favorite sayings.

I do not want this to be discouraging to any one, I want my life to be an inspiration. This is just to let you know, it is all right to have a bad day and acknowledge it to be so. That way, when you have a good day or a great day, you can enjoy it to the fullest! Besides, the next post will be about the Saturday and Sunday after this bad day. They where two of the best days I had had for a while!