I thought I would not make it.

The evening before my fourty-eighth birthday, my boyfriend asked me what I wanted to do the next day. I wanted to go on a hike that we had been planning for quite some time. Several times we had almost gotten everything worked out to do this; but it seemed like something always came up to change the plan. So we decided that we would get an early start the next day.

The next morning we managed to get all our stuff together for the hike. Plenty of water, picnic lunch, rain gear, and a few odds and ends. We studdied the map again and made sure of the way we wanted to go. Knowing that we would be crossing the river several times we wore shorts and tennis shoes. Soon we made our way down the road where we would park the truck.

Armed with our supplies and walking sticks we are thankful for the beautiful day as we begin our hike. I am so excited. The hike was going to be around three hours. The river was down and was going to be easy to cross. In places we would end up actually walking down stream a little ways.

Eagles, hawks, falcons, and blue herons favored us with their presence. There were old homesteads that had wonderful rock foundations. Crossing the river every now and again to keep on the old trail kept us from getting to hot. Around long curves in the river we came to see amazing cliffs that seemed to go on forever. We took pictures, had our picnic, and decided to head back toward the truck.

What a great birthday. It was so awesome to have finally accomplished this hike and discovered some great places. Now we would be able to mark it on our map of places we had been.

The trail we were following had rather tall grass on either side. Michael was walking in front of me using his walking stick to beat the grass back a little, keeping an eye out for things that tend to live along the river banks. I was doing the same thing about ten feet behind him. We had walked through some pretty grown up places over the last several years just like this.

Suddenly, I saw something coming out of the grass, right over my right foot. I knew in that instant that if I put my foot down I was in trouble. I thought if I kept the step in motion, but kicked, I could get away. As I made the effort of kicking forward, I felt a stinging sensation like a greenbriar going into my ankle. When I put my foot down I felt as if I had encountered an electric charge. Now I had a three foot long copperhead laying between my feet!

As I was pounding at the snake with my walking stick, I looked at my ankle and realized I had been bitten. I started screaming. "I've been bit, I've been bit!" Michael turned and saw what had happend. He took a couple strides and grabbed my arm to get me away from the snake. He tried to stab the snake with his treking pole and it slid off to cover. He returned to my side and put my arm around his shoulder and his around my back holding on to the waist of my jeans shorts. Then he commanded, "walk, just keep walking!" At that point it was all I could do to remain conscious. I just wanted to lay down. "Keep walking", he said. "I can't". The pain was incredible. I just wanted to let go and pass out so I wouldn't feel any thing. My leg was on fire. I wanted nothing so badly as to be at the truck and on my way to the hospital. My mind was trying to comprehend what had happened. I didn't think I could go on. In and out of the present, some how hanging on to Michael's voice, I manged to stay on my feet enough for him to get me to the truck.

As we made the last river crossing I was pretty much passed out. Michael sat me on a big rock so he could get the truck open. Then he lifted me into it and we started up the road to the hospital. I really do not remeber much of the ride. Several times I heard Michael telling me to stay awake, to stay with him.

While I can not remember all the details; actually not many at all, I do know that I have never felt that kind of pain in my life.

After about a nineteen minute drive; that should have taken at least thirty-five or more,we arrived at the emergency room. Since Michael had taken just long enough to stop at home and call ahead they were waiting for us. A woman met us at the door with a wheelchair and wisked me an examination room that had been prepared.

The IV's were ready along with the anti-venin. While I was being hooked up, the bite marks were measured and marked. As the pain meds started to work I finally just let go and passed out. I guess my mind was at the point that I was in as safe a place as I could be.

I remember waking occassionally to nurses and staff coming and going. At some point I was moved to the intensive care ward. The next twenty four hours are a complete loss to me.

When it was decided that I was going to be ok, I was moved to general observation. There were employees from all over the hospital coming to ask if they could see the bite marks. I remember the first time I really had the nerve to look myself. I didn't even recognize my own leg. It seemed like I was looking at some one else. I had seen a lot of wounds and injuries as an EMT. But when I looked and saw that my leg was horribly swollen and discolored I was shocked. I rang for the nurse who measured the ankle to see if there was a difference in the swelling to find that it was eleven inches around. My leg was black up to my hip. She called the doctor in and he ordered more blood work to see what was going on. That was when we found that I had a secondary infection. That earned me a couple more days in the hospital.

Finally on Friday I was allowed to go home. I had antibiotics, pain medicine, and orders to keep the leg elevated as much as possible, and bed rest.

After four week of rest I was incredibly bored. I told Michael I was ready to go out and do some hiking and climbing. The doctor had said it would be at least six weeks before I would even be able to put my boots on. But I had tried them on and even though that boot didn't lace as tight as the left, I could get it on.

So, we started off on a slow hike with the climbing gear. When we got to the crag, I was a little tired but the ankle didn't seem any more swollen. I managed a little climbing and felt pretty good. But not wanting to over do any thing, we hiked out and came home to rest and ice.

To this day, I am always on the look out for any thing that might be creeping along the paths and trails we hike. I am still a little nervous on the occasion of high grass and damp conditions. But that will not keep me from being in the great out doors I love so much!

Life As It Is now

Time does take it's toll on all of us. Age seems to creep up and grab us by the tail. We slow down, have more aches and pains, and our endurance wavers. Add that up and add in a disease that does not shorten the life span. MS symptoms and residule issues from a stroke are taking a toll. There are times, and more frequently, days that I am feeling the result of having this disease. Some times I am so tired I feel as if I didn't have to move at all; I certainly would not. Holding a cup, silverware, touching anything is painful. Petting a dog is like running my hand over an electical field. Sparks of pain, burning like hot prickles run up my hands to my arms. Muscle cramps that leave black and blue marks that are sore for days. I have to be careful even when eating that I have enough water at hand to relieve choking. Eating dry food is out of the question. Sad to say that eating can be quite dangerous.

I am noticing some pretty dramatic changes is memory. There are times when I have to stop to think about how to do even the simplest things. Getting dressed can be a challenge. Funny how you can be in the middle of something you have done by yourself since you were a little child; now you have to stop and think about what you are doing.

Sometimes cooking, or just doing anything, and you stop to try to remember what you are trying to do. "Did I put the sugar in the cup?" "Did I put the coffee in the French Press?". I think the worst is driving off from somewhere and your mind is going a hundred miles an hour worrying about what was done or not done. Just hoping that all will be all right.

Memory loss is not just about the things in your head. Muscles and nerves suffer a kind of memory loss. Your legs forget how to walk properly. Your hands don't always hold on to what you pick up. Or instead of holding onto what you picked up, your hand just voluntarily throws it away from you. Good thing I had a plastic travel mug instead of ceramic this morning!

Then there are days when you know that your body is not really your own any more, but cooperates well enough to have a great day. You can overcome and deal with the problems. The strength in your muscles and determination in your heart allow you to have a great time. You really have to concentrate and think about what energy you need for the task and put your all into it. Then good things can be done. Great fun can be had. And some hard work accomplished.

It is amazing how so many people will judge you by the good days and on those "bad" days, they just wonder what is wrong with you. They can not understand why and how you can be so different on any given day. I will say that some times it would seem that I am lazy or unmotivated. I can not explain how hard it is to know that I will be sitting out. That I will not be able to be involved. That I can not help get the job done. It is hard to know that I can not hold a job because I don't know what the day will bring me. And I can not promise to any one that I can get the job done on any given day. Hard as I might try, some times I have to say enough. I am done for today.

Now, I am not writting all this as a complaint. I just want people to know that sometimes when you are looking at someone, there are things that you can not see. My heart and mind want so badly to do the things my body used to do. Sometimes sitting out is a very hard thing to do. I am learning though that I have to be able to say that I am done. No one else can determine that for me. So, I do the best that I can. Then I stop and am glad that I had the energy, coordination, and stability to accomplish what I did. And I am glad that I had the opportunity.


It is amazing to me to have some one in my life that is so tolerant, patient, kind, and helpful. "My Michael"as I like to call him, looks after me in a way that still lets me have my independence. When I am at the end of my endurance, he is there to pick up the slack. He will travel back up the rather steep hill to get my fishing gear, so that I will have the energy to hike that same hill later to get back to camp. He makes sure I eat and get enough hydration when we are out. If it is hot, he will make sure I have a cool place to be.

When we are out rock climbing, something that has helped me maintain muscle strength and coordination, he encourages and motivates me to give it all I have. He does not let me give up easily. At times I wonder at the things I have done in the last few years since we met. I have lost a considerable amount of wieght. I have more muscle strength than I had in a long time. And the muscle memory has improved quite a bit.

I will close on this now with a note on how impoprtant it is to have strong people in your life to motivate and challenge and most of all love you. Some one to stick with you through it all.