It seems to me that my life has been nothing but major challenges along the way. Starting out with biological parents that should never had been allowed to have children. When you make the decision to become a parent, there is a certain level of responsibility that you must accept.
Mine did not.
My father was a biker, wrestler, alcoholic, and basically not a good person. My mother was not strong enough to stand up to him; and was very afraid of him. He had been away for a good while and upon his return my mother told him to watch the children, (my brother and me), and went out for the day. I guess she felt she needed a break.
When she returned the apartment was empty of belongings and her children. The details of this time are pretty sketchy. I’ve been told that he hid us at various places including the home of my biological grandparents. Apparently they were too elderly and their health too poor to care for us long. They made him take us back into his care.
I won't talk about the things that happened to us at this time. I will say that I became pretty self-reliant and tough. After all these years some of the things I remember the most were hiding, being hungry, in pain, and being very, very frightened. He had threatened our mother and even beat her up. He stalked her and told her to never try to get us back because he would make sure it did not happen. Her father loaded her up in his old station wagon and took her out of the city. She lived in the South for many years, and returned about the time we would have been old enough to look for her. But she never filed the paper work that would have allowed contact to be made; she just sat there, waiting.
Of course this information was passed to me just several years ago when I located my father through a contact online. I was curious about my history, in part due to my health issues and the fact that I had two children. I had two names and did a search which eventually turned up a half-brother. He put me in contact with my father. When I told my brother that I had found our biological father, he did some digging of his own and located our birth mother. My brother went to meet them. Several months later I went on a road trip with him to meet them as well. Of course there were holes in their stories and things that did not match my memories and the information I had been given. I know that I still do not have the whole story because there was a third person involved that was listed as the mother on the adoption papers. I would have very different feelings about a relationship with them if the real story was every told. For now, all I can do is wait, and pray that someday that person will have the courage to come forward with the whole story.
My adoptive parents gave us so many opportunities and for this I am truly thankful. We traveled across the United States and throughout several Central and South American countries. There were trips building houses, schools, and clinics; drilling wells and delivering supplies. We even spent three years in Nicaragua. My Dad was the Director of Volunteer Services in the city of Managua. Both of my parents were working with the volunteers in establishing schools, clinics and other needs. My brother and I had a great time making friends and seeing the country. I felt like I was doing something to help make the world a better place. There are so many stories I remember about the three years we lived there. God willing, I will tell them all, someday.
The summer we returned to the States, I worked as a nanny for four little children. Then also in the nursing home just down the street. That fall I went to Virginia to attend college. I wanted to be a Social Worker and help children find their way in life.
Instead, I ended up leaving school and getting married. The first five years were pretty good. Then I noticed that things were changing. But I had to stick it out because I now had a brand new daughter and I was not going to be following the circle of my past. I had determined that I would stick it out and make the best of it.
Then I gave birth to my son. I had a family now and it was my responsibility to give them the life they should have. So, I did everything I could to make that happen. I was very involved in their lives from birth. Everything they wanted to be involved in with school, Church, and other social activities, I was their biggest fan. Sometimes that was challenging with employment. But I can remember missing very few activities, field trips, band and other events.
The evening of December 3rd, 2001 I went to the Rockingham County School Christmas Concert. I had just left work, zipped through McDonalds for my daughter's dinner(her request)and went to help serve pizza to several hundred teenagers. Rebecca had had enough and wanted something different. We had a good time serving and talking with the young people. Then the concert began. It was amazing. I have heard people (including their father) say concerts and other musical events are music only a mother could love. I watched the crowd that night and strongly disagreed. The children's voices were beautiful after so many days of practice and I saw many in the audience affected in the same way.
By the end of the evening, I was ready to get home to bed. I had had a terrible headache all day at work and it just seemed to be getting worse. Thinking it was a migraine, I took one of the prescriptions I had used for years to help. Eventually it eased and I fell asleep.
The alarm went off at 6:00am as always. I hit the snooze and lay back wondering why my head was still pounding. I thought I would go start the coffee and get my shower. I put my feet to the floor and the rest of my body followed. Wondering why my legs were not working, I crawled to the bathroom. After sitting on the floor for a while, I finally got enough strength to stand and shower. My right side felt like it was on fire. But when I touched my skin I didn't feel the contact. I guessed I must have a pinched nerve and that would account for the headache also. So I dressed and got ready for work. I took several Tylenol and drank some coffee. The kids were up and ready for school where I would drop them on my way to work.
As we were driving to town, I was having trouble with my vision. But I put it off to the headache. Then I became concerned when I had to ask my daughter if there were one or two trucks on the road in front of me and which lane it was in. She said, “Mom, what is wrong?" I said I had a headache but would be fine. I drove the rest of the way with one hand over my right eye. It worked.
The next several days saw increasing problems. I kept going to work and taking the kids to school. Finally just before lunch one day my balance gave out and I found I was walking down the hall to my office sideways and kept running into the wall. My arm was so bruised. My co-workers said I needed to get to a doctor. I gave in and went to the ER. They gave me a shot for the pain. Then after several hours did a CT scan. They said there was nothing wrong, go home take a few days off and rest. It was probably just stress. I don't stress! But I called the office and told my boss that I would be back to work on Monday. Could someone cover for me? He said no problem get some rest.
Saturday morning and things were no better. I decided I would use one of my favorite relaxation methods; a long, hot bath. I ran the water and put in lots of bubbles. Then I got in and slipped down to soak. Suddenly I was engulfed in unimagined pain. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move. Finally I managed to scream loud enough to bring help. I was taken to my local doctor's office. The doctor that saw me drew blood work and performed all the usual tests. He referred me to a neurologist and got me an appointment for the following Monday morning.
By Monday morning I was definitely not able to drive or do very few other ordinary tasks. I actually couldn't even hold my coffee cup. I got ready with help from the family and was taken to the appointment. Once there the doctor ordered another CT scan and MRI. Off to the hospital for the tests. Then back to the doctor's office to wait for the results. I was called to the exam room and given the news that there was a lesion on the brain stem where it goes into the brain. My circuits had been shorted out. The doctor was certain I had MS. He sent me to the hospital in Charlottesville for further testing.
By the time Tuesday morning came, I was in bad shape. My body did not respond to anything i needed to do and I was not speaking clearly. MY right side was pretty well useless and I was having trouble walking, using my right arm, and did not make any sense when speaking. I couldn't understand why nobody could understand what I was saying. My parents came down from Ohio and we went to the appointment. I had to use a wheelchair to get throughout the hospital. The doctor came in and did a lot of testing, ordered blood work and said she would be right back. When she came back she had my family with her and said that I was to be admitted. I did not want to be spending time in the hospital. Christmas was just around the corner. I had things to do, preparations to make for the holidays.
There was to be no discussion about my going home. I was taken to a room and started on pain meds and IV's. After several more types of MRI's and CT Scans, hearing, speaking, and visual exams, it was decided that I had suffered a stroke due to the size and depth of the lesion.
That night after my family had gone home to be with my children, they came to the room to do a spinal tap. I tried to explain that I had back problems and it would not be a good idea to do this. It was pretty well insisted that this test was needed for a full diagnosis. So I said it was ok to do. A friend later counted the needle marks on my lower back and there were thirty-seven stick points. When they drew the spinal fluid out it felt like a piece of barbed wire had been pulled through my spinal cord. I had never felt anything like it and don't ever want to again!
The next morning just as my husband Pete arrived, they came in and said it had to be done again as there wasn’t enough fluid to run the test. I was then taken to a special testing room where they used an x-ray type machine to do the test. The technician doing the test said he did not know why they didn't do it there the previous night. He was very good at his job. After numbing the area, it took him one try and was able to get the amount that was needed.
After days of trying to get the pain under control, physical therapy, and lots of meds, it was determined that I could go home. I had to use a cane to walk, pens with padding so I could hold onto them, and pads for my utensils for eating. There was a slight improvement in my speech. I was referred to Occupational and Physical therapy.
Christmas passed with lots of help from neighbors and the Church. Food was brought in along with offers for help with transportation and household help.
As time progressed, I went back to work. I couldn't do much but I was allowed to spend several hours a day and with help from my co-workers was making some progress.
On the morning of March 3rd, 2002, I received a call from the doctor. She wanted to know if I could be in her office the next morning. When I got to her office, she had tears in her eyes. I had decided I didn't care what was wrong. I just wanted to know what it was and what we could do about it. She then said that the diagnosis had been Multiple Sclerosis. There are no cures or fixes but lots of meds to deal with the symptoms. I told her to set me up. I had children to raise and a life to live.
I stayed in therapy, both physical and occupational, for several months. I was still walking with a cane and continued to have trouble with my right side. But I knew I just might have to deal with it so I started trying really hard on just living and doing my daily routine. I went back to work full-time and resumed driving. The meds were changed and added to as needed. Soon I was taking a handful of drugs several times a day, but i was functioning.
One of the problems with so many medications is the monitoring of the blood to make sure there are no other complications. So every couple months I would go and get checked.
After two years of taking the intra-muscular injections I started having trouble getting the needles into the muscles from scar tissue build up. So I was put on subcutaneous injections. These seemed to work better. I was still on a lot of pain meds and other ones for the nerve interruption.
All I needed was one more health issue to deal with. I got it. My back had given me problems for years due to several work injuries it seemed to be giving out. I had such terrible pain that even walking or sitting was problematic. It got to the point that getting dressed was excruciating. Back to the doctor I went, and was sent back into physical therapy. The therapist eventually put me on a traction board and I came unglued. I just thought I was going to be paralyzed. He sent me for x-rays and took one look and said he wouldn't work on me anymore. I went to an orthopedic surgeon who after looking at the x=rays wanted to do surgery the following day. Of course with our insurance it takes at least a week to get all the approvals. But the following week I was in surgery.
Titanium rods and screws, prefab discs, and bone marrow taken from my right hip were installed. There was also a four inch cyst on the spinal cord from scar tissue. He thought most likely due to the spinal tap. He was able to remove it with no adverse effects. Early the following morning, I woke to find the dressing, my gown, and the bed, soaked with blood. I was so weak and scared as I rang the call bell for the nurse. When I told her what I had found she immediatley called the doctor. He was there in minuets. They gave me five units of blood over the course of the day and I was not even allowed to sit up in the bed. The next day proved to be better and I could start to move around and occassionally get up into the chair for short periods of time. Five days later I was releaased to go home.
Rehabilitation therapy started three weeks later. I went several days a week then down to one day a week for a long time. Once again I went back to work.
Eight months later I started to notice movement with a grating and clicking sound. I wnet back to the doctor to find that there was movement in the rods and screws. He sent me to an orthopedic nuerologist. This is a doctor that specializes in people with orthopedic and nuerology issues. He recommended a second surgery. There was a 50/50 chance that it would help.
I underwent this surgery almost exactly a year after the first one. The recovery time was a good bit longer and once again more meds were added to deal with the pain.
A year after this, I had knee surgery to reapair a torn minuscus.
Through out these years there were several relapses of the MS. I had to have a number of steroid treatments and therapy.
All of the prescription drugs that I had been put on during these years have side effects that need other meds to conter act. Gabapentin, Detol LA, Baclofen, Naproxin, Hydrocodon, Oxycontin, Amantadine, Valium, Ambien, Vioxx, Flexeril, interferon injections, and so many others that I don't remember them all. The possible side effects are any where from drowsiness, dizziness, blurred vision, rining of the ears, liver problems, breathing issues, and the most common: depression. Then I was started on Lithium. After taking for several months I was to add yet another drug to counter issues with that.
After a good bit of research and realizing that these drugs were changing me, and adversley affecting my health; I decided to do something about it. I was often asked if I tried or used any natuaral herbs or remedies. At the time I was soley relying on what the doctors said I needed. Then I started to explore other possibilities. I talked to other people with health issues of their own, who used medical marijuana. I had grown up in a household that considered weed to be a drug, but not all the prescription drugs that the health community, politicians, and most of all, the Church says are acceptable. I had to make a decision. I felt that I had to do something now to prevent further problems and to get off the many drugs that had such terrible side effects. I moved to a state that had legal medical marijuana. In eight months' time I weaned myself away from all the prescriptions(except the interferon) that I had been on for the last eleven years.
I no longer have the constant tiredness, dizziness, ringing in my ears, difficulty concentrating, or general lack of interest in doing anything, my blood pressure is normal, and I can function. So long as I am able to find medical herb, I very rarely have the intensly painful muscle spasms and cramps associated with MS. It has lessened the fiery tingling in my hands. The daily chores and tasks of life are not impossible. I get up each day with the mental ability to face whatever challenges I will have and the motivation to do so.
So, now you know my story. As I said, if it challenges or inspires just one person, then everything I have gone through will have been worth it. I urge you, if you have a story of your own, tell it. If you see contradictions between what your doctors and familes tell you, what your pastor and the community tell you, speak out. Ignorance and prejudice and fear can only end when there is light, and voices sharing the truth.
