Time does take it's toll on all of us. Age seems to creep up and grab us by the tail. We slow down, have more aches and pains, and our endurance wavers. Add that up and add in a disease that does not shorten the life span. MS symptoms and residule issues from a stroke are taking a toll. There are times, and more frequently, days that I am feeling the result of having this disease. Some times I am so tired I feel as if I didn't have to move at all; I certainly would not. Holding a cup, silverware, touching anything is painful. Petting a dog is like running my hand over an electical field. Sparks of pain, burning like hot prickles run up my hands to my arms. Muscle cramps that leave black and blue marks that are sore for days. I have to be careful even when eating that I have enough water at hand to relieve choking. Eating dry food is out of the question. Sad to say that eating can be quite dangerous.
I am noticing some pretty dramatic changes is memory. There are times when I have to stop to think about how to do even the simplest things. Getting dressed can be a challenge. Funny how you can be in the middle of something you have done by yourself since you were a little child; now you have to stop and think about what you are doing.
Sometimes cooking, or just doing anything, and you stop to try to remember what you are trying to do. "Did I put the sugar in the cup?" "Did I put the coffee in the French Press?". I think the worst is driving off from somewhere and your mind is going a hundred miles an hour worrying about what was done or not done. Just hoping that all will be all right.
Memory loss is not just about the things in your head. Muscles and nerves suffer a kind of memory loss. Your legs forget how to walk properly. Your hands don't always hold on to what you pick up. Or instead of holding onto what you picked up, your hand just voluntarily throws it away from you. Good thing I had a plastic travel mug instead of ceramic this morning!
Then there are days when you know that your body is not really your own any more, but cooperates well enough to have a great day. You can overcome and deal with the problems. The strength in your muscles and determination in your heart allow you to have a great time. You really have to concentrate and think about what energy you need for the task and put your all into it. Then good things can be done. Great fun can be had. And some hard work accomplished.
It is amazing how so many people will judge you by the good days and on those "bad" days, they just wonder what is wrong with you. They can not understand why and how you can be so different on any given day. I will say that some times it would seem that I am lazy or unmotivated. I can not explain how hard it is to know that I will be sitting out. That I will not be able to be involved. That I can not help get the job done. It is hard to know that I can not hold a job because I don't know what the day will bring me. And I can not promise to any one that I can get the job done on any given day. Hard as I might try, some times I have to say enough. I am done for today.
Now, I am not writting all this as a complaint. I just want people to know that sometimes when you are looking at someone, there are things that you can not see. My heart and mind want so badly to do the things my body used to do. Sometimes sitting out is a very hard thing to do. I am learning though that I have to be able to say that I am done. No one else can determine that for me. So, I do the best that I can. Then I stop and am glad that I had the energy, coordination, and stability to accomplish what I did. And I am glad that I had the opportunity.
It is amazing to me to have some one in my life that is so tolerant, patient, kind, and helpful. "My Michael"as I like to call him, looks after me in a way that still lets me have my independence. When I am at the end of my endurance, he is there to pick up the slack. He will travel back up the rather steep hill to get my fishing gear, so that I will have the energy to hike that same hill later to get back to camp. He makes sure I eat and get enough hydration when we are out. If it is hot, he will make sure I have a cool place to be.
When we are out rock climbing, something that has helped me maintain muscle strength and coordination, he encourages and motivates me to give it all I have. He does not let me give up easily. At times I wonder at the things I have done in the last few years since we met. I have lost a considerable amount of wieght. I have more muscle strength than I had in a long time. And the muscle memory has improved quite a bit.
I will close on this now with a note on how impoprtant it is to have strong people in your life to motivate and challenge and most of all love you. Some one to stick with you through it all.
No comments:
Post a Comment